another day... another challenge

after overcoming the trauma or so its called...im dealing with tons and tons of homework...seriously...im doing homework okay
wow
i stopped being vain and start mugging
yep
because my common test result is a disaster...totally disaster...and i want CHANEL babe so much that i must mug so that my mother will agree to purchase it for me :) mommy i love u
my life has never been this great before...
i love my friends
my family
just that i just lost one friend
one of the very most important one
but well
i screwed it up myself...so i am paying for the price for never think beforehand
shit
but life's like that
anyone must overcome certain period of hard time to grow stronger
haha
but really losing this friend, so hard to bear....so hard to bear :(( haha
but dont know la dont know la............
shit shit :(
nah cannot say too many shit word because haha SAIFUL said so.....
my life is so wonderful except the fact that im sitting opposite TAN E YANG...he sucks big time

to the part of me that was left behind, to the part of me that is moving on

Dear Lynna,

You have been abandoning your blog for quite a while. Let me make it clear. Your blog is really very helpful. It helps you express your own feeling and you can either choose to let other know or not. Sometimes, your blog is also a diary, where you can share all your innermost secrets. frankly, your blog is a friend that always listen to everything you wanna say without judging you, without making you feel bad, but giving you the feeling that no other friends can do. 

You are moving on at a great speed. I am glad to know that. You are beginning your new journey, leaving behind you what unnecessary. YOU ARE BEGINNING TO ADAPT TO EIGHTEEN. Your birthday is coming in 2 weeks time. So soon that the LYNNA CAO i have known will become 18. You have been fooling with yourself for quite a while. in the pst 18 years, you have made lots of memories and you have done a good job colouring your own life. There, in your life I can see dark colours, representing those low feeling and depressing moments you have gone through over the past 18 years, but I can also see the bright colours of your life, your dreams, your memories with those loved one and friends, your hope, your fantasy. You are just an ordinary girl who believes in miracle and fantasy, who loves to watch Korean drama until the next morning and just go to school like that. 

You loves to eat junk food

You are indeed a gossip queen

You know you are bitchy, But your friends know what kind of BITCH you are and they don't hate you

You love jazz

You are absolutely engaged to CHANEL and MIU MIU stuff, everything about CHANEL can turn you on and make you get high for few days consecutively

You are small size but your heart, your soul, your spirit are not small at all

You are trying your best to make your dreams come true

You are obssessed with KERASTASE hair products and You love your hair alot, treat it as if it were  your husband

You do not want to be involved in any BGR, simply because you have had enough of those and you are still hurt.

You love clothes, especially in grey colour

You love Boyfriend shirt and dresses

.... blah blah

there are way so many things about you that I cannot say...

Dear Lynna,

Are you growing up

I think you are trying and you have done a good job so far. You don't break down that easily anymore. You become so tough that sometimes you cannot see that it is you who make those decisions. You are trying to stand on your own. You are trying to prove that despite you tiny size, you are actually a little something that make people remember you for, and make those who have conflicts with you scared. You are picking up pieces to create a whole new you, yet, your characters can never change, because you are wild, you are naturally born2becrazy. 

Albeit all rapid changes you are progressing, you are still a little girl to me. You still likes a guy so much that makes you write him letters and read it to yourself

That makes you create a one man show, acting as both him and you... fantasizing your little pink world

You still have those moments where something pop up into your brain that reminds you of THAT CERTAIN SOMEONE, you will burst into tears, like a baby.

You are still running away from THAT CERTAIN SOMEONE. You are trying your best not to see him to encounter him or to have anything related to him

You like 2 guys...at the same time...but you are happy because you are not together with any of them...

You never hide true feelings from those good friends of yours. But adult dont do that. You are actually hiding quite alot....

You sometimes lies to catch people attention and you feel nice when people worry for you, as you know that they love you so much and care for you so much

....

blah blah

LYNNA

I believe that I AM ACTUALLY SOMETHING

this was written by LYNNA CAO, myself....this is a letter sending to myself....a self reflection indeed :)

loveya sweethearts

goodnight

:))

it is just getting hotter and hotter...the weather is killing me and since my mother said my house was so cool as if it had been placed up the mountain she decided not to use aircon...actually my house has no aircon...but since me and my brother and my parents themselves cant stand it anymore...my mother decided to go and buy one ...but tmrw T.T so well, i can actually enjoy the aircon for 11 days...woohoo...and oh my god...exams are coming but i have no idea whats going on with my notes...they are covered with dust...i have left them aside for quite a while...recently. i used to think too much but i guess it is not good at all...not good for health...he always want me to be healthy i know it...healthy forever...the monkey, amanda, thu, hieu and all my friends dont want me to keep thinking abt him and living with the past, but well... he has been my past, my present and my future and i guess i cant forget him:) but js let him be there...in my heart ok? and i dont care whether i can be in his heart or not:) haha...
and well, in order not to think too much i hv been occupied myself...UOB painting...i have not started :(...but ill start soon...
And i am not used to the fact that my grandfather no longer stays with us and he had joined our ancestors merely one week ago. I still hv the feeling that he is still there on his bed, every night still open the frigde by his very own way...the noise of his slippers still lingers...and i always talk to him...actually talk to his picture. every time before meals, me n my grandma and my family still talk to him as if he were still alive...it is so strange...and so fast...sometimes i just stand in front of the mirror and found tear rolling down my cheeks....it is way too fast...no but soon i will have a chance to really let him go, let YONG KHANG go...YONG KHANG is happy with his new life and he doesnt have to care for me anymore...so i think life is easier for him...great then...mebe im sad...but watching him happy with his new life...well at first i could not take it at all but now...people i am actually happy for him...and happy for me too...because i have others to rely on...sometimes i am confused with my own feelings...about monkey about saiful about plenty of stuffs on earth but well...singlehood...im living with it to the max...and i am gonna make it to ITALY...i am not giving up my dream...but i am living for it...ill prove that i am actually somebody...SOMEBODY haha....wow...its actually LYNNA CAO...yes thats true....
I am not yet 18...so all the relationships things, i guess i will js treat them as breezes of my age...but breeze is not like air...breeze comes and gone...fast enough to make people surprised...fast enough to make people sad because they have missed so much chance to appreciate those breezes...i am one of those...but i am glad...he loved me the most...and i am glad...he was my superman....
YONG KHANG a...i still love u alot alot. u are still the best in my heart :) and if we are destined to be tgth, we will be together one day and if we are not then too bad...
and i am so despo to take out my freaking braces...
lol
and its so hot...im gonna go eat ice cream now...BbBb

inspiration from dong gu

i talked to the moneky today and he showed me his blog so i decided to update my blog. and i think i shud clear up all memories abt him alrd...my granddad js passed away...people js keep leaving me? i lost 2 best guys in my life in not more than 3 months...but time to grow old :) time to learn time to ponder new thoughts...damn it my father is yawning like there is no tomorrow distracting la u father :( so i decided i shud stop writing here :) and LUM U are a big big big monkey :)) haha random
having a surgery tmrw...im scared...they took my blood today...and i cried...i am really scared of blood....i thot of him for a while and i rmb how whiny and cute i was when i was with him...but yah...dont think abt it....dont care....think abt the chicken rice stupid monkey and AMANDA must buy me :)

bitter sweet.:)

its a long time ever since...

it has been quite a while since i last blogged abt my screwed life T.T
it has been quite a busy time as well and it's great that i'm actually trying to be an intriguing woman but i dont's know how can i be a little bit more interesting, in a special way maybe:) but at least i know im special to some certain people...thats enough, more than enough for me...
Today was totally sad...i had been waiting for today to come, with the fire of hope burning up in me, as i thought finally WE could be staying in the same hostel...unfortunately, the more I was looking forward for this day to come, the more disappointing i got when i knew that he would not come to NJ...yet, there is nothing else can be done to inprove the situation, and when can i accept it, happily accept it, accept the fact that he's like the other side of the country...and i have never ever been to that place before during my 2 and a half years here also T.T.
Im lost :( i was speechless in front of him...actually not absolutely speechless but the convo btw me and him was meaningless, maybe had a bit of taste because we did smile to each other :D...but at least there had been smily faces for a while...the worst part had not come yet...
i reached hostel...feeling empty and weird...by watching the people moving in to my hostel, that was like a sharp knife cutting my heart seriously...i burst into tears easily like a baby...luckily my senior was there...I bet the whole bunch of people had such an amusing so called "WELCOME" from me...
and now, even though he is not here but i am left speechless again :) this maybe the worst friday of my life, the groomy one...the ugliest friday i have ever had...
i feel like crying again...since when i have become such an emo kid like this? but please lah...its hard to go thru something like this...its rili hard...all those nice thing i have thought of before i came here was like flown without wings T.T what the hell? i have been spending the past year hoping till he could come here and can smile to me everyday b4 i come to school, but dream and hope, where have you been?you are gone so fast, leaving me with only one word, HATRED :(

somietimes i wish...

I wish to be a total stranger to whom i've ever known. I wanna walk to my future leaving all my past behind...commencing a new life and becoming a new person. But gradually, I think I'm still a failure. :)
I can never win over myself. That sounds pessimistic but unexpectedly, I'm one of those pessimistic girl and to those who know me well enough, they can understand why.
and recently i found myself weaker and weaker everyday :). Just a very small thing happen, i found myself sobbing already. I started being cynical again. Oh my god i always try to get rid of that word after "flowe for Algernon". unfortunately, I failed. haha.
SOMETIME I WISH TO BE A PUPPET SO I WILL NOT HAVE A BRAIN AND I'LL ONLY BECOME THOSE PEOPLE WANT ME TO BE. NO ROOM TO THINK. ALBEIT THE FACT THAT I WILL NEVER HAVE TO THINK AND GET MYSELF A HEADACHE, I'LL FOREVER BE A PUPPET. MEBE FATE WILL ARRANGE ME TO BECOME AN UGLY ONE THEN OMG MY LIFE IS TOTALLY A DOT. SO I DONT WANNA BE A PUPPET ANYMORE.
I'm really sad now. the atmosphere around me is solemn and I think the song "groomy sunday" can fit perfectly the theme song of this very moment. today is another day. tmrw is another day. i still have a long long way to move on... No, i won't give up and won't break down :) I'll keep moving on :) yay because I'm me :) haha damn funny. I'm so violate.
I'm feeling not so bad now. random. let's throw the word sad out of my head for a while. let's feel peace and happiness for a while. Let's go far away from reality for a while
:)